Tag Archives: Christ

My Past is Not My Present

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It’s not ok to take something that doesn’t belong to you.  If it’s not freely given, it’s not yours.  Women are people.  They have feelings.  Don’t treat a woman any way you wouldn’t want someone to treat your mother and your daughter.

I’ve dealt with my share of abuses.  Verbal, emotional, and physical.  Because of this, I am in a constant state of letting go.  Just when I think the pain is gone, that dark reminder creeps back up and almost paralyzes me.  Every single day, I become better than the day before.  I used to live in a constant state of fear and paranoia.  I was molested and raped for so long that I honestly thought that the only way to receive love from a man was to offer my body.  There were no feelings attached.  For a moment though, I felt important.  Then when the morning came, I was nothing all over again.  I became a willing doormat, a garbage receptacle.  To be cursed and told that I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough to be seen in public with my “man” was a small price to pay to have somebody in my life.  This is to be expected.  This is the best I’ll ever have.  I accepted infidelity.  That only meant that I needed to step up my game.  I needed to be the best ride or die chick.  I’m lame, so to be a part of that “crowd” I dabbled in drugs and heavy drinking.  Now I’m cool.  I separated the broken Sonya from the fun Sonya, so my life was one long unhappy party.  Clubbing, boozing, drugs, and sex with a huge smile on the outside while I was withering away on the inside.  I knew it wasn’t right.  That life never really had the right “fit”.  I always wanted more, but I was so crushed by LIFE.  And the worst part is, I was too afraid to tell anyone.  I didn’t want pity because I felt it was MY FAULT.  I didn’t want anyone to blame themselves, so I hid it for so many years.  I was such a castaway, so worthless, that death wouldn’t even accept me.   

And then I met the one man that had a lifelong desire to be my Ride or Die.  He noticed ME.  He looked beyond my facade and accepted me, right where I was, all grimy and disheveled.  He didn’t make me feel like an object, and He reminded me over and over and over again just how important I am to Him.  Just how much I’m LOVED!  I never felt whole, complete, until I accepted Christ.  I could just talk to Him about ANYTHING and He never judged me.  The best thing about my Father is that if I throw my garbage, my mess, my issues on His shoulders, He gives me the strength to lift my shoulders and to stand tall and finally be proud of being just me.  He validates me, so I don’t have to intertwine my soul with another and another and another to know that I am adored.  I’m so thankful for Him introducing me to His design.  I can’t knock His creation.

I often wonder how many other women feel this way?  Abuse is never okay.  You are worth so much more.  The only way to stop it is to call it what it is.  Rape.  Molestation.  Assault.  Emotional Abuse.  It’s all darkness.  Talk about it.  Ask your local church for assistance.  Go to the police.  Just know that YOU ARE WORTHY!  You have a purpose.  Enough is enough.

If you’ve been a victim of rape or molestation click here

If you are a victim of domestic violence click here 

You Only Get One

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My cousin Patrick died in a car accident this week. He was only 35 years old.  Today, June 16, 2012 he was buried. I’ll never again get to see him in this life.  It hurts me tremendously even though I know he’s in a better place.  I get on Facebook, and pictures and statuses about Pat are trending.  It seemed like everyone in my hometown of Bassfield, MS was at the church today for his homegoing celebration.  But I wonder if these same people, including me, let him know just how much he was loved?  I wonder if he remembered all the times we spent together, the kind of impact he had on my life, on everybody’s life that he touched?  See, Pat was a big old ball of happiness, goofiness, and smiles. ALL THE TIME!  When you saw him, out and about, the first thing you’d see is his pearly white 32’s.  Then he’d embarrass you by screaming out some kind of elementary school pet name for you, all the while grabbing you in a smothering bear hug.  Every. Single. Time. He didn’t just treat me this way either.  He made everyone he came in contact with feel like the only person in the world that mattered. He didn’t see color. Black, white, green, purple, he just saw the person, and he liked who you were.  Pat was never a rich man, monetarily, he worked every day of his life, from High School, up until the day he died. But, Pat left a legacy.  He touched everyone with his way, his selflessness, his love.

Time is so precious. We forget that we don’t have forever.  Big cousin’s death was a wake up call for me. I’ve spent far too much time and energy being angry and holding grudges, and life is much to short for that.  If I die and don’t get the chance to say I’m sorry to someone I’ve wronged, or accept the apology of someone who wronged me, then all that I do, all that I have done to be this “Better Sonya” would have been all in vain.  Each and every person is important enough to love “in spite of.”  Someone out there loves me “in spite of” simply because their love for God and His commandments, are more important than a grudge.  We have this one life to live. Let’s not waste it creating grief.  Tomorrow isn’t promised, I realize that.  I want my legacy to be one of love, and joy, and I’ll live my life, one moment at a time, being grateful that God has blessed me to be a part of yours.

To you, you, and you: I apologize to you. I love you. I’m grateful for you. I’m blessed to know you.  You are a gift to me. I am better because of you.

R.I.P. Big Baby ❤

Forgive for Forgiveness

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Forgiveness

I’ve heard all my life that everything that looked good to you wasn’t always good for you. I’m a hard head, so I always chose what looked good. From the easy path, to the handsome man, even the “surface” friends. If it looked good, I was THERE! Then the consequences came. With consequences come regret. All of this is a never ending cycle of “why me’s” and “I’ll do better’s.” Once again, life turns around and sucker punches me square in the jaw. That does NOT feel good.

I’ve cried, repented, prayed, asked God for forgiveness, talked to the trusted friend, and done it all again and I keep getting hit in the face with the past. Sometimes memories of yesterday become so real that they begin to drown out my gift, my present. It gets hard to enjoy now because of then. We have all, at some point in our lives, sinned and come short of God’s glory. But when do I get a break? I know I’m not THAT bad! Why is this movie of my past constantly replaying in my mind. I thought God forgave me?

Now, regardless of the life I lived in my PAST, I have always known with 100% certainty, that the Bible is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Every single word of it is totally guaranteed, and even as old as it is, God’s word is TIMELESS. This means that the word of God, and all the promises it holds, continue to remain valid and relevant, even today, even for me. FOR ME!!! Even, for a wretch like me.

FYI BREAK — All of this is coming to my mind as I’m speaking to you. The Holy Spirit within me. This is my revelation, my testimonies in black and white. I’m not the only person feeling this way. My hope is that you gain some clarity in your own struggles from my mistakes.

When God forgives, it’s over. The slate is clean. Now, we still have to deal with the consequences of our actions, and OUR memories will still linger, but a humble heart seeking forgiveness receives just that. The issues come in when we decide to hold on to the past, when we don’t forgive ourselves.

These scriptures are examples of His Mercy — Micah 7:18-19 & Nehemiah 9:31

This scripture, Luke 6:37, stuck out to me. The end of it says … forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.

Okay, so, am I the only person that just had a “I could have had a V8” moment?

It seems so super duper simple. If I forgive myself, if I forgive others, I shall be forgiven. It seems so simple yet so hard. I realize that we tend to focus on what’s important. We build a life around our main focus. If my life is shaped around a problem, then it gains priority. Is there any room left for God?

Well, once more and again, God is putting things in perspective for me. I’m not perfect, but I’m willing to obey.

I’m In Love

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Reposted from my old blog BoredNappy

I’ve been having an affair for too many years to count. No matter how much fun we had, I would always feel empty afterwards. It always felt like there should be something else. I never really felt complete. I catered to him, but it was never enough. He always wanted more. I gave my time, my energy, and opened my heart over and over again for it to just be snatched out and stepped on.

But, there was always someone waiting for me. He was always patient, always kind. He encouraged me and picked me up when I’d fall. He was always there with an encouraging word or a listening ear. When I was upset, he would just hold me and remind me that he’s here. He wanted to be my everything. I never understood why? I ignored him until I needed him. I rarely visited. He just wanted a chance and I wouldn’t give it to him. Just when I would feel myself beginning to give in to his pleading, I’d run away. He would ask me to trust him, I’d say no because I’m afraid. He wanted to help me. I told him I was independent. He knew everything about me, but he still wanted me. He accepted me regardless of all the bad I’d done. That still amazes me.

I’m too tired. I can’t run anymore. Well, all his pleading kinda got to me. I’m in love! It’s amazing that he waited until I was ready to love him back. The first time I paid attention to his touch, I felt brand spanking new. He made all my senses come alive. I finally “found” the man of my dreams, and he’s been here all along. It’s like a fairy tale and finally I get to be the Cinderella. And yes, my glass slipper fits perfectly!

My only regret is that I didn’t allow Christ into my life sooner…

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