To My Future ❤
There’s really no in between with me. I’m either for you or I don’t care. I feel love or indifference. I do have a rather blunt personality. Because of this, I don’t tolerate disorder and mess well. I don’t revel in it. And it sure enough does not make my liver quiver. I’m a very solitary person. I enjoy being home, spending time with my son, and yup, that’s about it. Church, home, and work are my only little hideouts. My life is pretty peaceful overall, but I’m beginning to understand the reason that solitude has become my new best friend. I either trust too easily or I am overly weary of people. I need to find a midpoint between the two.
I’ve been hurt more times than you can count, and it all happened from trusting too much, or maybe just trusting the wrong people period. I’ll find that one positive trait in someone and I’ll build a whole friendship based on an expectation that I’ve created without even realizing it.
I said ALL that to say this…
We (and I mean I) have to accept people for who they ARE, and not who we (I) expect them to be. Disappointment grows when we (I, you get the point) build ridiculously high, 10 foot standards that people have no possible way of measuring up to. Maya Angelou said it best, “When people show you who they are…BELIEVE THEM.”
I told you I wasn’t perfect. I never intended to tell the world all my secrets, but I’m understanding now, in my walk with God, that change only comes when you face your flaws, accept them as opportunities for growth, and step back so that He can step in.
Now you know this part of me. That makes me accountable to you.
Please bepatientwithme. God is not through with me yet.
My cousin Patrick died in a car accident this week. He was only 35 years old. Today, June 16, 2012 he was buried. I’ll never again get to see him in this life. It hurts me tremendously even though I know he’s in a better place. I get on Facebook, and pictures and statuses about Pat are trending. It seemed like everyone in my hometown of Bassfield, MS was at the church today for his homegoing celebration. But I wonder if these same people, including me, let him know just how much he was loved? I wonder if he remembered all the times we spent together, the kind of impact he had on my life, on everybody’s life that he touched? See, Pat was a big old ball of happiness, goofiness, and smiles. ALL THE TIME! When you saw him, out and about, the first thing you’d see is his pearly white 32’s. Then he’d embarrass you by screaming out some kind of elementary school pet name for you, all the while grabbing you in a smothering bear hug. Every. Single. Time. He didn’t just treat me this way either. He made everyone he came in contact with feel like the only person in the world that mattered. He didn’t see color. Black, white, green, purple, he just saw the person, and he liked who you were. Pat was never a rich man, monetarily, he worked every day of his life, from High School, up until the day he died. But, Pat left a legacy. He touched everyone with his way, his selflessness, his love.
Time is so precious. We forget that we don’t have forever. Big cousin’s death was a wake up call for me. I’ve spent far too much time and energy being angry and holding grudges, and life is much to short for that. If I die and don’t get the chance to say I’m sorry to someone I’ve wronged, or accept the apology of someone who wronged me, then all that I do, all that I have done to be this “Better Sonya” would have been all in vain. Each and every person is important enough to love “in spite of.” Someone out there loves me “in spite of” simply because their love for God and His commandments, are more important than a grudge. We have this one life to live. Let’s not waste it creating grief. Tomorrow isn’t promised, I realize that. I want my legacy to be one of love, and joy, and I’ll live my life, one moment at a time, being grateful that God has blessed me to be a part of yours.
To you, you, and you: I apologize to you. I love you. I’m grateful for you. I’m blessed to know you. You are a gift to me. I am better because of you.
I’m Sonya, and I often have a problem acknowledging God‘s will as my own.
There, I said it. I’m not perfect. I fall short of His Glory daily, and this is not okay with me.
I think I’ll list my imperfections. You know, just for the few who may think I’m a bit self righteous in my posting.
1. When I get angry enough, sometimes I curse… then I repent.
2. If I’m stressed, I sometimes forget to pray, and I crave a shot of liquor, and if it’s bad enough and have a temporary loss of sanity and forget I’m saved, I might have it… then I repent.
3. When I see a fine, handsome man, I don’t always wonder if he’s a Christian, I just start to have those lustful thoughts… then I repent
4. I don’t get along with everybody and loving people who don’t love me back just gets under my skin… then I feel convicted, I repent, AND ask for a clean heart
5. I sometimes take credit for my accomplishments and don’t give proper credit to God… so I repent
AND THIS IS TO BE EXPECTED!
Point is, I do a lot of repenting. I’m constantly asking God for forgiveness for something because I AM NOT PERFECT. I can only strive for perfection. Every single day of my life, I want to be a little better than I was the day before. I used to think that God had all these unfair standards that he set for Christians that they could never live up to and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how being under submission to His will was even POSSIBLE. But I understand a little better now. Jesus gave His life for us because even though we sinned in so many ways, He still felt like we deserved a chance. He knew that there were possibilities in us. He knew that if we just took the time to understand Him, to get to know Him, then we would accept Him. He wanted to save me, you, us, from eternal damnation so that He would be able to spend eternity WITH us. He did all this while living an absolutely pristine, white as snow, pure and perfect life. He created a standard of peace in the middle of a storm. In the midst of being tempted, tortured, talked about, abused, scorned, lied on and hated, He never once sinned.
Do you understand just how amazing that is? He dealt with so many more trials than me and He never once sinned. When Jesus experienced hell on earth, He simply chose to tell His daddy about it. He got closer to His Father. He spent time in worship even when the “chips were down.”
We don’t experience even half of the adversity that Jesus did, but we (and I’m talking about me here) take matters into our own hands… and fail miserably. Now I see it! It’s not hard at all. I’ve just got to stay prepared for whatever happens next. And the good thing about it all is, my Daddy has my back.
I’ve heard all my life that everything that looked good to you wasn’t always good for you. I’m a hard head, so I always chose what looked good. From the easy path, to the handsome man, even the “surface” friends. If it looked good, I was THERE! Then the consequences came. With consequences come regret. All of this is a never ending cycle of “why me’s” and “I’ll do better’s.” Once again, life turns around and sucker punches me square in the jaw. That does NOT feel good.
I’ve cried, repented, prayed, asked God for forgiveness, talked to the trusted friend, and done it all again and I keep getting hit in the face with the past. Sometimes memories of yesterday become so real that they begin to drown out my gift, my present. It gets hard to enjoy now because of then. We have all, at some point in our lives, sinned and come short of God’s glory. But when do I get a break? I know I’m not THAT bad! Why is this movie of my past constantly replaying in my mind. I thought God forgave me?
Now, regardless of the life I lived in my PAST, I have always known with 100% certainty, that the Bible is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Every single word of it is totally guaranteed, and even as old as it is, God’s word is TIMELESS. This means that the word of God, and all the promises it holds, continue to remain valid and relevant, even today, even for me. FOR ME!!! Even, for a wretch like me.
FYI BREAK — All of this is coming to my mind as I’m speaking to you. The Holy Spirit within me. This is my revelation, my testimonies in black and white. I’m not the only person feeling this way. My hope is that you gain some clarity in your own struggles from my mistakes.
When God forgives, it’s over. The slate is clean. Now, we still have to deal with the consequences of our actions, and OUR memories will still linger, but a humble heart seeking forgiveness receives just that. The issues come in when we decide to hold on to the past, when we don’t forgive ourselves.
These scriptures are examples of His Mercy — Micah 7:18-19 & Nehemiah 9:31
This scripture, Luke 6:37, stuck out to me. The end of it says … forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.
Okay, so, am I the only person that just had a “I could have had a V8” moment?
It seems so super duper simple. If I forgive myself, if I forgive others, I shall be forgiven. It seems so simple yet so hard. I realize that we tend to focus on what’s important. We build a life around our main focus. If my life is shaped around a problem, then it gains priority. Is there any room left for God?
Well, once more and again, God is putting things in perspective for me. I’m not perfect, but I’m willing to obey.
It’s an amazing feeling to start something new, to step out in faith and do something that’s been on your mind forever. It fulfills you to actually know your purpose, then to begin moving in that purpose. Often we become so excited about our new “project” that we want to tell the world. We want everyone to be as pumped up about it as we are. That’s not always the case. Everybody in your life will not be overjoyed about your new “moving forward” mentality. Here comes the haters, the naysayers, the jealousy, and rudeness. First of all, realize that not everything is for everybody. When your business becomes public knowledge, then their opinion, in their minds, become a Holy Grail. Makes you wish you kept it to yourself huh?
When you step outside the limitations of your comfort zone, and you begin moving deeper, higher, closer to Christ, you cannot take everything or everyone with you. Your obedience in carrying out the will of God in your life will also require the sacrifice of the things and/or people that may have caused your separation from Him in the past. In order to receive all the benefits of a relationship with God, we have to first learn and put into practice, the art of keeping relationship business to ourselves. Often, what God gives you as revelation, is only for YOU at that moment and possibly for others later.
Proverbs 2:10-13 When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul; Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee: To deliver thee from the way of the evil man, from the man that speaketh froward things; Who leave the paths of uprightness, to walk in the ways of darkness