Tag Archives: clay

You Only Get One

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My cousin Patrick died in a car accident this week. He was only 35 years old.  Today, June 16, 2012 he was buried. I’ll never again get to see him in this life.  It hurts me tremendously even though I know he’s in a better place.  I get on Facebook, and pictures and statuses about Pat are trending.  It seemed like everyone in my hometown of Bassfield, MS was at the church today for his homegoing celebration.  But I wonder if these same people, including me, let him know just how much he was loved?  I wonder if he remembered all the times we spent together, the kind of impact he had on my life, on everybody’s life that he touched?  See, Pat was a big old ball of happiness, goofiness, and smiles. ALL THE TIME!  When you saw him, out and about, the first thing you’d see is his pearly white 32’s.  Then he’d embarrass you by screaming out some kind of elementary school pet name for you, all the while grabbing you in a smothering bear hug.  Every. Single. Time. He didn’t just treat me this way either.  He made everyone he came in contact with feel like the only person in the world that mattered. He didn’t see color. Black, white, green, purple, he just saw the person, and he liked who you were.  Pat was never a rich man, monetarily, he worked every day of his life, from High School, up until the day he died. But, Pat left a legacy.  He touched everyone with his way, his selflessness, his love.

Time is so precious. We forget that we don’t have forever.  Big cousin’s death was a wake up call for me. I’ve spent far too much time and energy being angry and holding grudges, and life is much to short for that.  If I die and don’t get the chance to say I’m sorry to someone I’ve wronged, or accept the apology of someone who wronged me, then all that I do, all that I have done to be this “Better Sonya” would have been all in vain.  Each and every person is important enough to love “in spite of.”  Someone out there loves me “in spite of” simply because their love for God and His commandments, are more important than a grudge.  We have this one life to live. Let’s not waste it creating grief.  Tomorrow isn’t promised, I realize that.  I want my legacy to be one of love, and joy, and I’ll live my life, one moment at a time, being grateful that God has blessed me to be a part of yours.

To you, you, and you: I apologize to you. I love you. I’m grateful for you. I’m blessed to know you.  You are a gift to me. I am better because of you.

R.I.P. Big Baby ❤

Forgive for Forgiveness

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Forgiveness

I’ve heard all my life that everything that looked good to you wasn’t always good for you. I’m a hard head, so I always chose what looked good. From the easy path, to the handsome man, even the “surface” friends. If it looked good, I was THERE! Then the consequences came. With consequences come regret. All of this is a never ending cycle of “why me’s” and “I’ll do better’s.” Once again, life turns around and sucker punches me square in the jaw. That does NOT feel good.

I’ve cried, repented, prayed, asked God for forgiveness, talked to the trusted friend, and done it all again and I keep getting hit in the face with the past. Sometimes memories of yesterday become so real that they begin to drown out my gift, my present. It gets hard to enjoy now because of then. We have all, at some point in our lives, sinned and come short of God’s glory. But when do I get a break? I know I’m not THAT bad! Why is this movie of my past constantly replaying in my mind. I thought God forgave me?

Now, regardless of the life I lived in my PAST, I have always known with 100% certainty, that the Bible is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Every single word of it is totally guaranteed, and even as old as it is, God’s word is TIMELESS. This means that the word of God, and all the promises it holds, continue to remain valid and relevant, even today, even for me. FOR ME!!! Even, for a wretch like me.

FYI BREAK — All of this is coming to my mind as I’m speaking to you. The Holy Spirit within me. This is my revelation, my testimonies in black and white. I’m not the only person feeling this way. My hope is that you gain some clarity in your own struggles from my mistakes.

When God forgives, it’s over. The slate is clean. Now, we still have to deal with the consequences of our actions, and OUR memories will still linger, but a humble heart seeking forgiveness receives just that. The issues come in when we decide to hold on to the past, when we don’t forgive ourselves.

These scriptures are examples of His Mercy — Micah 7:18-19 & Nehemiah 9:31

This scripture, Luke 6:37, stuck out to me. The end of it says … forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.

Okay, so, am I the only person that just had a “I could have had a V8” moment?

It seems so super duper simple. If I forgive myself, if I forgive others, I shall be forgiven. It seems so simple yet so hard. I realize that we tend to focus on what’s important. We build a life around our main focus. If my life is shaped around a problem, then it gains priority. Is there any room left for God?

Well, once more and again, God is putting things in perspective for me. I’m not perfect, but I’m willing to obey.

I’m In Love

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Reposted from my old blog BoredNappy

I’ve been having an affair for too many years to count. No matter how much fun we had, I would always feel empty afterwards. It always felt like there should be something else. I never really felt complete. I catered to him, but it was never enough. He always wanted more. I gave my time, my energy, and opened my heart over and over again for it to just be snatched out and stepped on.

But, there was always someone waiting for me. He was always patient, always kind. He encouraged me and picked me up when I’d fall. He was always there with an encouraging word or a listening ear. When I was upset, he would just hold me and remind me that he’s here. He wanted to be my everything. I never understood why? I ignored him until I needed him. I rarely visited. He just wanted a chance and I wouldn’t give it to him. Just when I would feel myself beginning to give in to his pleading, I’d run away. He would ask me to trust him, I’d say no because I’m afraid. He wanted to help me. I told him I was independent. He knew everything about me, but he still wanted me. He accepted me regardless of all the bad I’d done. That still amazes me.

I’m too tired. I can’t run anymore. Well, all his pleading kinda got to me. I’m in love! It’s amazing that he waited until I was ready to love him back. The first time I paid attention to his touch, I felt brand spanking new. He made all my senses come alive. I finally “found” the man of my dreams, and he’s been here all along. It’s like a fairy tale and finally I get to be the Cinderella. And yes, my glass slipper fits perfectly!

My only regret is that I didn’t allow Christ into my life sooner…

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Wanna Hear a Secret?

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I’ve been single for what seems like forever and three days.  I’ve got all the cliche’ lines and even some funny stories about the dreaded “dating scene.” I was constantly praying for God to send me that good man. Well, he never showed up. Then i prayed, Lord, let your will be done.  Well, even after that prayer “good man” still left me alone. So later, I began to pray for my husband. I mean pray that his walk with God be upright and that his heart be mended from whatever he’s dealt with in life. I’ve prayed for his job, our child(ren) together, his leadership abilities within the family, as well as his heart. And I’m still not married. I continue to be in prayer and expectation both for and about my man of God although we haven’t crossed paths (that I know of), simply because I do know that at SOME time, in God’s time, I will have my “One.” That’s called Faith y’all. I’m excited about my life.  

I’ve figured out the secret though.  

Are YOU single too? Wanna know my secret? Shhhh. Now lean in close…Nah, I’m just joshing you, and it’s really NOT a secret if you take the time to do a little studying. Let me explain it to you.

First of all, we can pray for everything and everybody, that’s fine and dandy, but God is NOT a genie in a bottle. He doesn’t grant wishes. Scripture says in Matthew 6:33 – But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Ohhhkay, so basically, I’m told to first, search for, thirst after, thrive to be apart of God’s kingdom and under his powerful hand, and I’ll receive an abundance of blessings.

But then, digging a little further, I found Jeremiah 29:11 saying For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. So let me get this straight.  Only God can love me unconditionally the way He does.  He wants me to be at peace in my situation because He’s the author of my life.  Well, I couldn’t really just stop reading there. I still had questions that needed to be answered and I’m ready NOW LORD!  Aaannnddd I was then led to Philippians 4:6 which tells me to Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be made known unto God. Nooo, He didn’t stop there, but Philippians 4:11 states Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 

So basically, it all comes down to submission. Word of the day, right smack dab in the middle of most of the married people fights. I’m there, but not 100%. Maybe about 85% in submission to God. He’s teaching me to first willingly submit to His love, His chastisement, and to His will.  God is the One that wants to give me everlasting joy and a peace that surpasses the understanding of Man. Find contentment in THIS state and give Him my all. Right now, there’s no husband distractions keeping me from worship with my Father. He is my covering, my protector, my Lord and Savior, and He will continue to supply my needs as well as the desires of my heart. So, I now understand that my future was predestined, and since His will is the only one I have an interest in following, I’ll just be patient. I’m still being molded.