Tag Archives: Repentance

My Past is Not My Present

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It’s not ok to take something that doesn’t belong to you.  If it’s not freely given, it’s not yours.  Women are people.  They have feelings.  Don’t treat a woman any way you wouldn’t want someone to treat your mother and your daughter.

I’ve dealt with my share of abuses.  Verbal, emotional, and physical.  Because of this, I am in a constant state of letting go.  Just when I think the pain is gone, that dark reminder creeps back up and almost paralyzes me.  Every single day, I become better than the day before.  I used to live in a constant state of fear and paranoia.  I was molested and raped for so long that I honestly thought that the only way to receive love from a man was to offer my body.  There were no feelings attached.  For a moment though, I felt important.  Then when the morning came, I was nothing all over again.  I became a willing doormat, a garbage receptacle.  To be cursed and told that I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough to be seen in public with my “man” was a small price to pay to have somebody in my life.  This is to be expected.  This is the best I’ll ever have.  I accepted infidelity.  That only meant that I needed to step up my game.  I needed to be the best ride or die chick.  I’m lame, so to be a part of that “crowd” I dabbled in drugs and heavy drinking.  Now I’m cool.  I separated the broken Sonya from the fun Sonya, so my life was one long unhappy party.  Clubbing, boozing, drugs, and sex with a huge smile on the outside while I was withering away on the inside.  I knew it wasn’t right.  That life never really had the right “fit”.  I always wanted more, but I was so crushed by LIFE.  And the worst part is, I was too afraid to tell anyone.  I didn’t want pity because I felt it was MY FAULT.  I didn’t want anyone to blame themselves, so I hid it for so many years.  I was such a castaway, so worthless, that death wouldn’t even accept me.   

And then I met the one man that had a lifelong desire to be my Ride or Die.  He noticed ME.  He looked beyond my facade and accepted me, right where I was, all grimy and disheveled.  He didn’t make me feel like an object, and He reminded me over and over and over again just how important I am to Him.  Just how much I’m LOVED!  I never felt whole, complete, until I accepted Christ.  I could just talk to Him about ANYTHING and He never judged me.  The best thing about my Father is that if I throw my garbage, my mess, my issues on His shoulders, He gives me the strength to lift my shoulders and to stand tall and finally be proud of being just me.  He validates me, so I don’t have to intertwine my soul with another and another and another to know that I am adored.  I’m so thankful for Him introducing me to His design.  I can’t knock His creation.

I often wonder how many other women feel this way?  Abuse is never okay.  You are worth so much more.  The only way to stop it is to call it what it is.  Rape.  Molestation.  Assault.  Emotional Abuse.  It’s all darkness.  Talk about it.  Ask your local church for assistance.  Go to the police.  Just know that YOU ARE WORTHY!  You have a purpose.  Enough is enough.

If you’ve been a victim of rape or molestation click here

If you are a victim of domestic violence click here 

Blind Sight

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I’m Sonya, and I often have a problem acknowledging God‘s will as my own.

There, I said it. I’m not perfect. I fall short of His Glory daily, and this is not okay with me.

I think I’ll list my imperfections. You know, just for the few who may think I’m a bit self righteous in my posting.

1.   When I get angry enough, sometimes I curse… then I repent.

2.  If I’m stressed, I sometimes forget to pray, and I crave a shot of liquor, and if it’s bad enough and have a temporary loss of sanity and forget I’m saved, I might have it… then I repent.

3.  When I see a fine, handsome man, I don’t always wonder if he’s a Christian, I just start to have those lustful thoughts… then I repent

4.  I don’t get along with everybody and loving people who don’t love me back just gets under my skin… then I feel convicted, I repent, AND ask for a clean heart

5.  I sometimes take credit for my accomplishments and don’t give proper credit to God… so I repent

AND THIS IS TO BE EXPECTED!

Point is, I do a lot of repenting. I’m constantly asking God for forgiveness for something because I AM NOT PERFECT.  I can only strive for perfection.  Every single day of my life, I want to be a little better than I was the day before.  I used to think that God had all these unfair standards that he set for Christians that they could never live up to and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how being under submission to His will was even POSSIBLE.  But I understand a little better now. Jesus gave His life for us because even though we sinned in so many ways, He still felt like we deserved a chance.  He knew that there were possibilities in us.  He knew that if we just took the time to understand Him, to get to know Him, then we would accept Him.  He wanted to save me, you, us, from eternal damnation so that He would be able to spend eternity WITH us.  He did all this while living an absolutely pristine, white as snow, pure and perfect life.  He created a standard of peace in the middle of a storm.  In the midst of being tempted, tortured, talked about, abused, scorned, lied on and hated, He never once sinned.

WOW

Do you understand just how amazing that is?  He dealt with so many more trials than me and He never once sinned.  When Jesus experienced hell on earth, He simply chose to tell His daddy about it.  He got closer to His Father.  He spent time in worship even when the “chips were down.”

We don’t experience even half of the adversity that Jesus did, but we (and I’m talking about me here) take matters into our own hands… and fail miserably.  Now I see it!  It’s not hard at all. I’ve just got to stay prepared for whatever happens next.  And the good thing about it all is, my Daddy has my back.