Tag Archives: Savior

My Past is Not My Present

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It’s not ok to take something that doesn’t belong to you.  If it’s not freely given, it’s not yours.  Women are people.  They have feelings.  Don’t treat a woman any way you wouldn’t want someone to treat your mother and your daughter.

I’ve dealt with my share of abuses.  Verbal, emotional, and physical.  Because of this, I am in a constant state of letting go.  Just when I think the pain is gone, that dark reminder creeps back up and almost paralyzes me.  Every single day, I become better than the day before.  I used to live in a constant state of fear and paranoia.  I was molested and raped for so long that I honestly thought that the only way to receive love from a man was to offer my body.  There were no feelings attached.  For a moment though, I felt important.  Then when the morning came, I was nothing all over again.  I became a willing doormat, a garbage receptacle.  To be cursed and told that I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough to be seen in public with my “man” was a small price to pay to have somebody in my life.  This is to be expected.  This is the best I’ll ever have.  I accepted infidelity.  That only meant that I needed to step up my game.  I needed to be the best ride or die chick.  I’m lame, so to be a part of that “crowd” I dabbled in drugs and heavy drinking.  Now I’m cool.  I separated the broken Sonya from the fun Sonya, so my life was one long unhappy party.  Clubbing, boozing, drugs, and sex with a huge smile on the outside while I was withering away on the inside.  I knew it wasn’t right.  That life never really had the right “fit”.  I always wanted more, but I was so crushed by LIFE.  And the worst part is, I was too afraid to tell anyone.  I didn’t want pity because I felt it was MY FAULT.  I didn’t want anyone to blame themselves, so I hid it for so many years.  I was such a castaway, so worthless, that death wouldn’t even accept me.   

And then I met the one man that had a lifelong desire to be my Ride or Die.  He noticed ME.  He looked beyond my facade and accepted me, right where I was, all grimy and disheveled.  He didn’t make me feel like an object, and He reminded me over and over and over again just how important I am to Him.  Just how much I’m LOVED!  I never felt whole, complete, until I accepted Christ.  I could just talk to Him about ANYTHING and He never judged me.  The best thing about my Father is that if I throw my garbage, my mess, my issues on His shoulders, He gives me the strength to lift my shoulders and to stand tall and finally be proud of being just me.  He validates me, so I don’t have to intertwine my soul with another and another and another to know that I am adored.  I’m so thankful for Him introducing me to His design.  I can’t knock His creation.

I often wonder how many other women feel this way?  Abuse is never okay.  You are worth so much more.  The only way to stop it is to call it what it is.  Rape.  Molestation.  Assault.  Emotional Abuse.  It’s all darkness.  Talk about it.  Ask your local church for assistance.  Go to the police.  Just know that YOU ARE WORTHY!  You have a purpose.  Enough is enough.

If you’ve been a victim of rape or molestation click here

If you are a victim of domestic violence click here 

I’m In Love

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Reposted from my old blog BoredNappy

I’ve been having an affair for too many years to count. No matter how much fun we had, I would always feel empty afterwards. It always felt like there should be something else. I never really felt complete. I catered to him, but it was never enough. He always wanted more. I gave my time, my energy, and opened my heart over and over again for it to just be snatched out and stepped on.

But, there was always someone waiting for me. He was always patient, always kind. He encouraged me and picked me up when I’d fall. He was always there with an encouraging word or a listening ear. When I was upset, he would just hold me and remind me that he’s here. He wanted to be my everything. I never understood why? I ignored him until I needed him. I rarely visited. He just wanted a chance and I wouldn’t give it to him. Just when I would feel myself beginning to give in to his pleading, I’d run away. He would ask me to trust him, I’d say no because I’m afraid. He wanted to help me. I told him I was independent. He knew everything about me, but he still wanted me. He accepted me regardless of all the bad I’d done. That still amazes me.

I’m too tired. I can’t run anymore. Well, all his pleading kinda got to me. I’m in love! It’s amazing that he waited until I was ready to love him back. The first time I paid attention to his touch, I felt brand spanking new. He made all my senses come alive. I finally “found” the man of my dreams, and he’s been here all along. It’s like a fairy tale and finally I get to be the Cinderella. And yes, my glass slipper fits perfectly!

My only regret is that I didn’t allow Christ into my life sooner…

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Wanna Hear a Secret?

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I’ve been single for what seems like forever and three days.  I’ve got all the cliche’ lines and even some funny stories about the dreaded “dating scene.” I was constantly praying for God to send me that good man. Well, he never showed up. Then i prayed, Lord, let your will be done.  Well, even after that prayer “good man” still left me alone. So later, I began to pray for my husband. I mean pray that his walk with God be upright and that his heart be mended from whatever he’s dealt with in life. I’ve prayed for his job, our child(ren) together, his leadership abilities within the family, as well as his heart. And I’m still not married. I continue to be in prayer and expectation both for and about my man of God although we haven’t crossed paths (that I know of), simply because I do know that at SOME time, in God’s time, I will have my “One.” That’s called Faith y’all. I’m excited about my life.  

I’ve figured out the secret though.  

Are YOU single too? Wanna know my secret? Shhhh. Now lean in close…Nah, I’m just joshing you, and it’s really NOT a secret if you take the time to do a little studying. Let me explain it to you.

First of all, we can pray for everything and everybody, that’s fine and dandy, but God is NOT a genie in a bottle. He doesn’t grant wishes. Scripture says in Matthew 6:33 – But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Ohhhkay, so basically, I’m told to first, search for, thirst after, thrive to be apart of God’s kingdom and under his powerful hand, and I’ll receive an abundance of blessings.

But then, digging a little further, I found Jeremiah 29:11 saying For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. So let me get this straight.  Only God can love me unconditionally the way He does.  He wants me to be at peace in my situation because He’s the author of my life.  Well, I couldn’t really just stop reading there. I still had questions that needed to be answered and I’m ready NOW LORD!  Aaannnddd I was then led to Philippians 4:6 which tells me to Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be made known unto God. Nooo, He didn’t stop there, but Philippians 4:11 states Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 

So basically, it all comes down to submission. Word of the day, right smack dab in the middle of most of the married people fights. I’m there, but not 100%. Maybe about 85% in submission to God. He’s teaching me to first willingly submit to His love, His chastisement, and to His will.  God is the One that wants to give me everlasting joy and a peace that surpasses the understanding of Man. Find contentment in THIS state and give Him my all. Right now, there’s no husband distractions keeping me from worship with my Father. He is my covering, my protector, my Lord and Savior, and He will continue to supply my needs as well as the desires of my heart. So, I now understand that my future was predestined, and since His will is the only one I have an interest in following, I’ll just be patient. I’m still being molded.